Wednesday 12 November 2008

Takin' Care Of Business

"The Man" is sending a man from the good ol' US of A on a whistle stop tour of Globex Corp's european operations. At each location the big kahuna will speak to employees about different aspects of the business and the strategy for handling the current economic climate. I'd like to think he will also glad hand well-wishers and kiss babies.

The news of his planned visit sparked a flurry of activity in the office last week.

The red carpet was sent to the dry cleaners, the fine china was polished to within an inch of its life and the stack of questionable reading material (your OK and Hello magazines of course) have been thrown out.

It is now impossible to walk past the office manager without her spitting on a tissue and giving your face a quick wipe.

It also spawned the following email....

Hank Scorpio*, Global President [and glorious leader] of Globex Corp, will be visiting the Dublin office...In order that our office looks well, B and I will initiate an office tidy. Specifically, we want all surfaces and tops of cabinets and presses to be cleared of clutter. As this also includes desks which may be currently uninhabited, please look around your division's area. For paper to be dumped, use the bin for shredding and recycling, beside the printer.Boxes may be stacked up near the exit for the cleaners to take away. Anything left lying around is likely to be binned.. Press doors should be kept closed, especially the paper press beside the printers.

It goes without saying that the kitchen needs to be kept tidy, so as ever, please stack dishes and cutlery in the dishwasher, not in the sink or on the work top.If you have cereal boxes stored on the top of the presses, please find somewhere out of sight to keep them. Please check around the area you are working to make the job easier for those concerned. In our own interests, it is important that we create a good impression next week.

Clearly in the current economic climate, it is natural to be a little edgy when it comes to the whole aspect of job security. Surely this clean up is going a bit far however - even for the small consultancy services arm of a larger indigenous parent company which was recently consumed by a multinational hardware distributor. (I'm sure people expect Mr. Scorpio to enter the building with a large stack of P45s under he arm.)

If anything we should be making the place and ourselves look a bit messier. By discarding pizza boxes about the place and not shaving for a few days we could make it appear as though we don't have a second to spare because we are insanely busy and essential to the smooth operation of Globex Corp. By being excessively neat, tidy and organised we are creating an impression of a workforce with time on our hands.

Cleanliness may be next to godliness but I doubt it is going to save any jobs - unless you work in sanitation. (Which we don't). I can see it now - back in the oak-panelled boardroom on the mothership:

We knew this day was coming gentlemen - the credit crunch has reached Globex Corp. We need to shed some weight.

How about the Atkins diet? I've heard that's good.

I wasn't talking about us as individuals- obviously we will continue to earn obscene salaries and enjoy massive perks - I was referring to the company. The company needs to save money. Jobs will have to go.

How about those snooty Europeans. Always looking down on us with their culture and food and... and.... their history.

I like where you're going with this. How about that Irish consulting company? We never offered any consultancy services before they came bundled with that other company we bought. Why don't we cut the little leprechauns with their freckly leprechaun heads loose.

Oh... wait...I was in their office last year. It was very clean.

Cereal boxes?

Nowhere in sight!

The French then?

*Not his real name.


sheepworrier said...

Na, you'll be safe enough - those yanks love the paddys. You should actually hire some irish dancers, thatch the office roof, treat Mr scorpio to a lunch of guinness, spuds and cabbage, and basically play up to the stereotype, to be sure, to be sure!

red said...

good luck...