Monday 18 January 2010

Livin' In the Future.

In March '08 I wrote about an accident involving a traffic accident involving 3 military trucks and 2 cars.

Given our compensation culture and reactionary politicians I predicted that "our military trucks will subsequently be retro-fitted with seat belts, booster seats and Donald Duck window blinds".

So, I was delighted to read in the Indo that:

Troop-carrying trucks in the Irish Defence Forces are to be fitted with a system to protect soldiers in crashes after 40 were injured in two separate accidents on Irish roads.

Presumably the Donald Duck window blinds are on order - or maybe they are waiting for Dora the Explorer ones.

Alternatively, as a money saving alternative to window blinds they could simply park each truck in any of the capital's business parks for 20 minutes. That should be sufficient time for some jobsworth to stick a stubbornly adhesive "DON'T PARK HERE" sticker to the window.

Friday 17 April 2009

Wanna be in my gang?

At some point in the aftermath of Roy Collins' murder, our fearless crime fighting, underpants-outside-his-trousers-wearing Minister for Justice, Dermot Ahern obviously thought "Shit - better be seen to act on this". And act he did - he acted like a man with a firm grasp on his brief (not the ones outside his trousers) and brought in a new law.

The new, improved (and possibly lemon fresh) Criminal Justice (Surveillance) Bill 2009, will make it illegal to be a member of a criminal gang.

To be honest, I would have thought that was fairly self explanatory - what with a criminal being an individual who partakes in illegal acts. But leaving that aside, I want to know how exactly will the gardaĆ­ know if somebody is a member of a criminal gang?

One can only assume the McCarthy/Dundon gang are in the habbit of issuing laminated, credit-card sized membership cards for the aspiring gangster's wallet.

Or else the yearly membership fee paid by a standing order made out to the McCarthy/Dundon Crime Syndicate will be a dead giveaway.

Thursday 2 April 2009

Buckets of Rain..

Dear Amina,

It was lovely to hear from you again - and many thanks for your kind letter and the enclosed photograph.

Amina, we have been writing to each other on and off for over a year now. During that time you described the poverty and daily hardships facing you - and other African children. You also explained how World Vision Ireland were using the money donated by many Irish families to help your community move towards self sufficiency, and to break free from the chains of poverty in doing so.

I feel that I have shown great compassion when confronted with your plight. I have shown empathy and sympathy in equal measure. I have prayed for you, crossed my fingers for you and above all sent some of my pocket money to you.

I even went so far as to devise plans for shipping Irish rain water to your village when you described how a lack of clean water - causing sickness and making crop farming an impossibility - was a major problem.

Well Amina, quite frankly after receiving your picture in the post this morning I am beginning to doubt the veracity of your story. In fact, I suspect you are involved in the organisation and execution of a highly complex 419 scam. What finally gave the game away? Well, I'll tell you - your teeth!"

You say you live in a poor village in the 3rd world, that you have no money and very little food. If you are as poor and hungry as you have led me to believe I can't imagine a toothbrush and good fluoride toothpaste wouldn't be very high on your family's weekly shopping list. Even if you could afford such luxuries, surely the dirty water you've been telling me about would counter act the work of the good people in Colgate.

Amina I live with my middle class parents in a relatively prosperous, first world country. We use Colgate whitening toothpaste, oral-b electric toothbrushes and Listerine (the green one - we tried the brown one, but Jesus it blows the head off you). Fluoride (which is essential for healthy teeth) is added to our drinking water before it reaches us - yet my teeth aren't nearly as white as yours.

You have the type of gleaming white smile that would convince small woodland creatures it was time to come out of hibernation. Were Tom Cruise to see them I have no doubt he would feel his gnashers were comparable to those of Shane McGowan.

Amina, this leads me to only one possible conclusion - not only are you not as impoverished as you have suggested, not only are you able to afford toothbrushes and tooth paste but you also have enough money at your disposal to afford a program of laser teeth whitening.

This will be the last letter you will ever receive from me - please don't reply to it.



Friday 20 March 2009

I can't change....

When you look up from your monitor to see your colleagues' aghast at your frantic head nodding antics, "Listening to Freebird - the 9 minute version" is a perfectly acceptable excuse.

Isn't it?

Wednesday 25 February 2009

Misleading Headline of the Day #2

From today's Irish Times...

Guidelines on child sexual abuse

Because sometimes, under certain conditions, and if you keep within the rules, its perfectly acceptable.

Friday 20 February 2009

The Friday Album Cover #33

They want you to be Jesus*,
They'll go down on one knee,
But they'll want their money back, If you're alive at 33.

Bit of a toughie this week I feel.

* No John Lennon style "bigger than Jesus" proclamations here.... and, while I'm at it, there will be no "turning tricks" with or without** religous paraphernalia.

** Pun completely unintentional... promise.

Thursday 19 February 2009

Millicent wore a surrealist comb

(made of bits of mosaic from St. Peter's in Rome)

Watching coverage of the protests outside Leinster House on yesterday evening's Six One news, I spied a placard towards the rear of the crowd saying

No to biscuits

"Good to see the surrealists protesting" I thought.

During the 9 o'clock news I realised my mistake.

No to bus cuts