Friday 17 April 2009

Wanna be in my gang?

At some point in the aftermath of Roy Collins' murder, our fearless crime fighting, underpants-outside-his-trousers-wearing Minister for Justice, Dermot Ahern obviously thought "Shit - better be seen to act on this". And act he did - he acted like a man with a firm grasp on his brief (not the ones outside his trousers) and brought in a new law.

The new, improved (and possibly lemon fresh) Criminal Justice (Surveillance) Bill 2009, will make it illegal to be a member of a criminal gang.

To be honest, I would have thought that was fairly self explanatory - what with a criminal being an individual who partakes in illegal acts. But leaving that aside, I want to know how exactly will the gardaĆ­ know if somebody is a member of a criminal gang?

One can only assume the McCarthy/Dundon gang are in the habbit of issuing laminated, credit-card sized membership cards for the aspiring gangster's wallet.

Or else the yearly membership fee paid by a standing order made out to the McCarthy/Dundon Crime Syndicate will be a dead giveaway.

Thursday 2 April 2009

Buckets of Rain..

Dear Amina,

It was lovely to hear from you again - and many thanks for your kind letter and the enclosed photograph.

Amina, we have been writing to each other on and off for over a year now. During that time you described the poverty and daily hardships facing you - and other African children. You also explained how World Vision Ireland were using the money donated by many Irish families to help your community move towards self sufficiency, and to break free from the chains of poverty in doing so.

I feel that I have shown great compassion when confronted with your plight. I have shown empathy and sympathy in equal measure. I have prayed for you, crossed my fingers for you and above all sent some of my pocket money to you.

I even went so far as to devise plans for shipping Irish rain water to your village when you described how a lack of clean water - causing sickness and making crop farming an impossibility - was a major problem.

Well Amina, quite frankly after receiving your picture in the post this morning I am beginning to doubt the veracity of your story. In fact, I suspect you are involved in the organisation and execution of a highly complex 419 scam. What finally gave the game away? Well, I'll tell you - your teeth!"

You say you live in a poor village in the 3rd world, that you have no money and very little food. If you are as poor and hungry as you have led me to believe I can't imagine a toothbrush and good fluoride toothpaste wouldn't be very high on your family's weekly shopping list. Even if you could afford such luxuries, surely the dirty water you've been telling me about would counter act the work of the good people in Colgate.

Amina I live with my middle class parents in a relatively prosperous, first world country. We use Colgate whitening toothpaste, oral-b electric toothbrushes and Listerine (the green one - we tried the brown one, but Jesus it blows the head off you). Fluoride (which is essential for healthy teeth) is added to our drinking water before it reaches us - yet my teeth aren't nearly as white as yours.

You have the type of gleaming white smile that would convince small woodland creatures it was time to come out of hibernation. Were Tom Cruise to see them I have no doubt he would feel his gnashers were comparable to those of Shane McGowan.

Amina, this leads me to only one possible conclusion - not only are you not as impoverished as you have suggested, not only are you able to afford toothbrushes and tooth paste but you also have enough money at your disposal to afford a program of laser teeth whitening.

This will be the last letter you will ever receive from me - please don't reply to it.